I don’t really know if the problem here is with harmonicas in general, just my Dad’s harmonica or just my Dad, but either way, the harmonica in my house right now, sucks the big one. My Dad loves it, but only plays when a) Mum’s not home and b) he’s on the toilet. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know how to play the damn thing, so for the twenty minutes preceding every flush of the toilet, I’m subjected to the aural equivalent of a steam train raping a squeeze box.
It wouldn’t be so bad if he got better, but it seems that my father is a living argument against the capacity of the human brain to learn or improve.
Harmonica’s seem like such a casual, knockabout instrument, because they’re small, cheap and portable; but what people don’t realise is they’re only appropriate in very specific circumstances. If you know how to play the harp and you’re safely ensconced in a basement bar that has already been furnished with a middle-aged, hipster audience, a nylon-string guitar and a few cubic metres of cigarette smoke, then you go right ahead and play the blues, Chief. But if you’re sitting on the toilet of a rented flat in North London, waiting for the codeine-induced constipation to wear off, while your daughter slumbers fitfully in the next room, then don’t even think about pulling that thing out of your pocket.
Instead, you should ponder the fact that if you came to terms with your over-the-counter-drug issues, then maybe you wouldn’t have to spend so long on the toilet that abusing an instrument that you can’t even play seems like a good idea.
Other instruments that should come with a “no amateurs” label include: the piano accordion, the kazoo, wobble boards and those African drums that hippies like to believe they can play. If my Dad picks up any of those, I’m filing for divorce.